Excerpt from forth coming book please follow the link below on medium
Section from my forth coming book Compassion transcends the loss of a loved one
I would say these two qualities are the principal markers of love. It is essential having these skills because loss especially death is a part of life. The transition to a new life is the hardest journey to transcend when you lose a loved one. Others around you that have these gifts is always a blessing you will never forget. Building these skills into your core is the greatest gift you can give to those in distress and yourself.
The empathy and compassion should always come from unconditional love. The loss of a loved one can never be replaced, any sacrifice you make for them either financial, time or energy is a kind gesture from the heart that will always be treasured. You can’t measure empathy, compassion, or love because it is everlasting with no limits. An acronym for empathy will help you understand this powerful quality in transcending the loss of a loved one for yourself and others.
E = Engaged with the person feelings and thoughts
M= Mouth closed make no comments, listen intently
P= Perceive their suffering
A= Affection when appropriate
T= Time is measured by compassion
H= Heart to heart communication
Y=Yoga recenter the body, mind, and emotions to be available for others
Engaged with the person feelings and thoughts
The connection cannot be superficial because the suffering individual will pick up on your vibration. If a person is drowning you don’t throw them a rope and walk away. It will take effort on your part to be committed being absorbed with them intimately. Feelings are natural so be genuine and validate them. Don’t say sorry because its not about you it’s about them, say I see you are very sad or angry recognising their pain. Their thoughts may blurt out unpleasant words, don’t take it personally recognise the suffering underneath that crusade of pain by their comments. Grief transforms a person personality to characters you may have never seen before. Language and actions of the familiar person you know disappeared and it may shock you, give them space to vent or cry.
Mouth closed make no comments, listen intently
This may take self-control and will power to do for many. The rescuer wants to save them and save themselves from the anguish. Remember you cannot bring their loved one back to life and ignore this great loss. The pain I suffered from innocent comments at my wife funeral are still with me today. The truth is nobody knows how others feel and you cant compare your grief with theirs because it’s their pain not yours.
Perceive their suffering
Death is complicated because human relationships are complicated. The death of a child is different from the death of a parent, but both will suffer, and the relationships connected to them will cause different losses. Empathy is 100% about their loss so don’t compare to your own because they are not the same although they may be similar. Loss of a loved one has many facets not just one dimension. What have they lost? The roles of the dead love person fulfilled could be from taxi driver to lover. Psychological losses to emotional support are the new memories shared of unconditional love. The introvert losses could be that one special friend impacted more on them than the social butterfly who has many friends at their beckon call. The financial losses, structure of life losses, hopes and dreams losses, list is limitless. Perceive their suffering not your own, feel it, be it and live it and your soul will join their suffering in harmony together.
Affection when appropriate
Affection comes in different sizes and frequency depending on the culture and the grieving person historical narrative. Affection definition is being warm, tender, and loving. The root of the word comes from the idea desire, inclination, wish, intention. Boundaries create safety and security for the person space. Appropriate is the boundary from their world not yours. You might be naturally affectionate embracing all unconditionally, but the grieving person may not be that inclined. Remember grieving has many forms with a mixture of emotions brewing inside the psyche. For example, if the person is overwhelmed with sadness, anger may be following closely behind. Your touch could spark a reaction to a full-blown outburst leashed against you. Gauge the situation its what they need NOT your needs of affection. The simple reminder to ask yourself who am I in relation to them. You might be the partner best friend, but you are not close to the surviving partner. Affection you want to give is because you lost your best friend not thinking of the feelings of the other. The root of the word is intention, ask why do I want to do or say this? Other extreme is to avoid all contact, but what if the grieving person is an affectionate person and you are not. Empathy is about identifying the other person needs from inner drive not the thinking mode. This is good reminder for those who struggle with affection to help you understand the important role affection has on a grieving person. When a partner or child is lost all intimacy stops instantly. Imagine your partner or child passes on, that affectionate embrace is lost forever. Your geniune embrace may be the only one they received that day or week.
Time is measured by compassion
Time is the biggest loss when a loved one dies because the human element of time is linear. The past, present and future is wiped away in an instant and all you have left is memories and relics or items of the loved one. Compassion is mentioned frequently in this book as the new companion to help the grieving one transcend the loss to a manageable size. Life will never be the same and empathy remembers that fact. Never fall into the trap of repeating cliches time is a healer, time heals all wounds, move on, get over it, etc because that is not true. Validation of another suffering is not contained by time and moving on. The expectations of others who project their life on to otherss are not aware of the grieving person universe. One of my relatives lost her husband over 40 years ago when her 4 children were young, and her husband is very much in her heart despite marrying again, and it still pains her at times. The significance of time in a person life is totally subjective not objective. For example, have you forgotten all your childhood stories even those painful events? The intensity of pain may be a background memory, but it had imprint on the psyche. From a spiritual and philosophical perspective life has darkness and light, to see the light you need to have the darkness even though it’s painful.
Heart to heart communication
“If I had a friend and loved him because of the benefits which this brought me and because of getting my own way, then it would not be my friend that I loved but myself. I should love my friend on account of his own goodness and virtues and account of all that he is in himself. Only if I love my friend in this way do I love him properly.” ― Meister Eckhart
Empathy that heals comes from the heart not the ego. Ego job is to navigate the human body and will ignore love to get its own needs met. It is important too feeling into(empathy) because emotion has no thoughts because it is energy of life and universe. For example, why does the father run into the burning house to save his child it’s the heart not ego? Heart to heart communication is not cognitive in the true sense but emotion is active listener feeling every drop of sadness from their heart connecting to yours. Compassion energy from your resources will be depleted after heart-to-heart encounter. Refill your emotional energy by being compassionate to yourself because if you don’t, you can’t have effective empathy for others.
Yoga recentre the body, mind, and emotions to be available for others.
Grief effects the whole person so yoga can help you refill your compassion after episodes of showing empathy to others. Yoga recentres the body, mind, and emotions. The yoga will open the heart and release unwanted residue of emotional energy and helps you be present for others.
Grief effects the whole person so yoga can help you refill your compassion after episodes with showing empathy to others. Yoga recentres the body, mind, and emotions. The yoga will open the heart and release negativity and helps you be present for others.
The vital skills of developing self-awareness with emphatic understanding facilitate good relationships with others. Empathy and compassion are always available regardless of what the internal struggles and external struggles humanity has in life. The beauty of self-awareness provides an opportunity to live in our bodies and have somatic empathy for ourselves and others enriching life. Embracing compassion and empathy is like the soothing balm that gives comfort and support to a fulfilling relationship eternally with ourselves and others.
Extract from my forth coming book Compassion Transcends the loss of a loved one
Lao Tzu words are the so practical in rebuilding your life and when you examine them and apply them by supporting your family with a stable and protective structure for your family live a new life. Listen to the great Chinese sage words with anticpation and reflect on them.
True words aren’t pretty. Times when we say to the children mum (or dad) is not here, so we can’t do this or that because of finances or lack of time or even energy just be honest. The same self-talk is recognising you have limits, are not pretty words at times but it is essential to be honest with self so you can transcend the old life of the loved one you all miss.
Pretty words aren’t true. People may flatter you or say things to try and fix you and the family. The denial of loss is hard to accept but not healthy pushing it away, it will only come back to haunt you. Be realistic, life has changed and to covering over loss with pretty words doesn’t help. The words don’t change anything so when others endeavour to ignore your loss with the pretty words like move on, or others are in a worse situation than you, or the loved one is an angel in heaven can hurt.listen To Lao Tzu next insightful words.
One who is good doesn’t argue. It is easy to retaliate when other words and actions hurt us. The simple truth is they are not you are experiencing your feelings, events in your life. Their perspective has a different lens so accepting others going see life differently helps us understand their actions. When you argue you can’t love so what is the best solution starting a war or loving others and forgiving their ignorance.
One who knows doesn’t boast. The projection of pain onto others is an easy way to dissipate suffering from oneself but it causes suffering for others. Understanding the inner world or know thyself is the silence between greatness and resilience. The Chinese idea here comes from the word abundance according to one source. The suffering one has causes abundant of information and feelings to flow into one’s life. The best student learns from life not the ideas of others or from books and words.
One who boast doesn’t know. The Dao de Jing writing has 81 verses, and this is a part of the last verse. The humble sage or teacher doesn’t need to conquer the world with the sword or anger. When you read the great teachers who have shaped our world with everlasting truths they didn’t have to prove anything. They were honest about themselves, the world around them and the life they lived. All the great teachers suffered loss and we can gain much from their example in transcending the loss of a loved one.
School of compassion episode 2 Podcast
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New series of on Podcast called School of Compassion.
Follow the link below learn to love yourself
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
The root of the word forgive comes from the Latin “to give completely, without reservation”. That is easier said than done because of the complexity of human perception is underpinned by core beliefs deep in the psyche hidden from awareness. Overlaid with experiences in words, actions, observations, and even personal affect will imprint the corelation of core beliefs. Everything we are our value system in psychological terms that consists of concepts in core beliefs. The core being of who a person is, revealed how they perceive the world related to subconscious beliefs of childhood and life experiences and other factors.
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The school that all of humanity needs to enroll in to create a better future for everyone. The syllabus is not an academic accoldae but opening the heart to love and live life with your authentic self. The curriculum will encourage the students to embrace life from the heart to connect with the universal gifts available to all. There are no entrance fees or qualifications to enter the school of life but to be yourself. watch this space for more updates and PS. you have a choice if you want do do the homework . The inner world creates your outer reality , so have fun and love from your true source.
The last post wouldn’t open link hopefully this will enjoy
“To Forgive all our errors is to forgive the world with compassion”
Forgiveness is from an old English word conveying ideas to “give, grant, allow a debt, an offense. Underneath the idea the sentiment or emotion to give up desire or power to punish. This is easier said than done because of our complex belief systems integrated from our personal histories of experience. Compassion and forgiveness are interlinked because of the emotional drives are linked with our awareness. I will endeavour to explain how to unleash your inner drives of wholeness with the tool of forgiveness with the everlasting love that prevails the whole universe in transition of compassion.
All credit and glory go to the super abundant wisdom of the infinite that seeks to love and release the higher self to its full potential. The full experience was due to a meditation and full awareness opening my mind to one of my allusive barriers to love myself and the world with unconditional love. We all believe we love ourselves but through my journey of discovery especially through meditation and knowledge it untangles our distorted perspective by removing limiting filters we wear and carry.
The programs and beliefs that have been inculcated since conception on this journey blots the marvellous vision of clarity available to all humanity. One of the biggest blots or strangulation and suffocating of our awareness with the concept of sin. The foundation of unconditional love I believe flows throughout the universe with ease not with presupposition of action. When we Examine nature, it flows with simplicity and cohesion of their symbiotic relationships that are not based on religious dogma or political agendas. The eons of religious and political systems rise and fall but nature continues its unending cycle of life without thought.
During my meditation the bright light of forgiveness came into my awareness. The stigmas we carry from childhood of other people’s projections and expectations are lurking in the shadow of reality. The realisation that I was carrying buckets of underlying projections against my soul was revealed by the higher self.
From a child’s perspective its limited knowledge and human experience the child reflects the environment on to itself. For example, as I have mentioned before, my father left my mother when I was 8 years old. I carried that projection of rejection with me as a child expectation of unconditional love from a parent. Sadly, the pain and hurt of failed relationships can cause decades of unresolved trauma. The child can blame itself for the problems it encounters while young due to ignorance and carry’s it as shame, guilt, and sorrow.
The example of sin is so ingrained in western cultures some atheist and agnostics use the same strategy in parenting styles through to the relationships in the workplace and others. The concept you are not good enough has its roots in educational systems from 17th centuries with religion foothold in educating the masses. The propensity of not going to Sunday school or church segregated the community to idealism of good and evil. This is facilitated today in many cultures, of children not achieving top academic status. The reward often due to not reaching academic accolade with title working class.
The expectations of others may be rooted from hidden failure or lack of forgiveness of themselves. William James book published over over 100 years old called the varieties of religious experiences identifies the division of humanity with religious piety. In essence the extremes of religious piety are not rational but radical psychological experiences of divided self. He postulates that individual religious experiences, not the organized religious life is authentic self.
I have respect for others religious experiences but believe that unconditional love tempered with forgiveness for self is the champion to unlock compassion not dogma. The fact that my wife suffered with agonising cancer and died because of sin the church ideology is preposterous. When you read the pages of history, millions have suffered century after century on exchange rate of interest rate of the Judeo-Christian beliefs of penance to make their God multibillion justification vindicator of rationalization of injustice in in other words the scales are in the favour of unrelenting punitive capitalist. I would never wish any soul to endure torture because of one man sin is intemperance for infinite unconditional consciousness. The statute of eye for eye could have equalled the scales of justice when Abel died at the hands of his brother if you use the bible golden standard of law in the old testament. These statements may trigger the believer consensus, but the original sin doctrine was embellished in Augustine’s theory. The Christian church was corrupted by Constantine abuse of politics and religion dictating the monopoly of the masses during their life and even when they die.
This may alienate some readers on the reality of how religious or other beliefs can suffocate the eternal consciousness part of the self. From my own personal experience if I persisted in my cognitive dissonance with the burden of sin wrapped around my awareness, I would have had the beginning of psychosis and related psychological issues.
The light of truth in my perception is the infinite is not constricted by manmade rules of subsidiary prefects of existence just to please it. The division of the self can infringe from the external idealisation of others not just religious but other outdated philosophies.
Forgiveness is taught in mainstream Religions throughout the world. For further information good site that reviews teachings at promoting forgiveness at its core. https://nexusnovel.wordpress.com/2007/01/03/forgiveness-in-different-religions/
The irony in forgiveness, a person can’t forgive others until they forgive themselves with unconditional love. The culprit for this consequence is the ego who loves control and is afraid of the unknown. The ego elevates its limiting perspective as a survival mechanism at the cost of enjoying the love that flourishes throughout the universe with no cost to both percipients. The ego adulation of prestige and prominence is another survival mechanism. The social brain conditions the community affect of sustainability by conforming the ego again as a slave or master not as an equal in the community. Remember you are not your thoughts, concepts, or status, you are part of the universal consciousness not a division of this or that.
When you discover that its ok to be who you want to be at a core level the shackles and burdens of guilt, shame, and sorrow dissolve. To become authentic is to remove all barriers to transcend to the real dimension of who you are. The negative should, must, are judgements that cause tension and restrict your perspective to gain your full potential. Conversely forgiving self by being present allows the universal love and compassion to flow into your awareness. Let’s reframe this statement rationally and logically. The only real you right now are at this present time.
The body changes it never stays the same, for example over 3.8 million new cells are replenished every second.
A 100 billion neurons are firing off 5-50 messages (action potentials) per second.
The human body contains around 37 billion cells there were about (37 x 21 zeros) chemical reactions, taking place every second.
The reality from a human perspective you or the ego is not in complete control it is all an illusion. On top of this is, the instincts, behaviours, environment etc are driving and keeping you alive. Holding onto guilt and shame only slows down and disfigures your perception of reality.
You are wonderful
you are awesome
you are amazing
you are beautiful
you are so incredible
you are lovable
you are phenomenal
you are inspiring
This is the real you a reflection in one small iota of the infinite. Use forgiveness to unlock compassion. Remember this saying this week and beyond “To Forgive all our errors is to forgive the world with compassion”
This time of year we are reminded of the celebration of light and life in all its different religious festive delights from Jewish, Christian, pagan and mystics etc. The year for many probably had its challenges along its way navigating life. The gift we can all give to ourselves is compassion unconditionally then we can let go of limiting beliefs that stops or holds the pain of yesterday and tomorrow. Compassion is in the famous story by Charles Dickens,Scrooge who forgot about his humanity and what it means to enjoy the real existence as a human on earth. Enjoy the video and love yourself then you can love the world with all its beauty of different shapes, sizes ,colours and querks.
Setting up a Facebook community called creative compassion community. Video below with overview of details.
More updates coming , I believe it will be a creative place for everyone to create a new chapter in their life with compassion.
I have noticed the increase of anxiety of some individuals coming out of lockdown with the removing of restrictions. During the pandemic it has caused anxiety and stress for many. The anticipation of freedom from lockdown has fooled a few that all the challenges they faced over the last year or two would go away instantly. The brain doesn’t like unfamiliarity and new situations. This can add more stress especially with ongoing challenges and uncertainty. The lockdown worldwide has caused many losses of life , friendship , holidays , employment , money and associations and much more. There has been a significant effect on the human body and mind of many during pandemic. Being compassionate for self and others will strengthen resilience and solidarity for all humankind.
I have seen in my personal life how a few regular compassionate routines helps me recenter back to my normal self. There are many resources that involve financial commitments and time that adds stress. With limited resources and time the free resources is always available. These free resources can be adapted to your personal needs and circumstances.
Meditation quiets the prefrontal cortex , the command centre of the brain. Start with 5 minutes if unfamiliar with the practice and increase whenever possible. The secret is regularity practicing every day not necessary the amount of time. The average brain process up to 80000 thoughts a day. Relaxing the mind will quiet your nervous system. The Ego part of the mind wants undivided attention like a relentless dog chattering in the background. Meditation will help focus on the true self not the worries of life contniually.
Focus on a happy place and imagine you are in a dream. Engage all the senses if possible.
Breathe slowly through the nose and release any tension through the mouth. ( ok to say ahhhh help release stress through the mouth)
Nurture Yourself in Nature
Nature is your friend and you can connect with the calming effects of fresh oxygen and colour.
Focus on the beauty and simplicity with no unnatural noise pollution or distraction.
Talk to nature and release all your pent up concerns and worries. Nature will never turn you away but will always listen to you for eternity.
Gratitude is a spiritual practice. Developing the inner person is a on going spiritual practice.
Singing or listening to soft or calming music is a spiritual practice. Writing or reading poetry is a form of spiritual practice.
Spirituality is being present in the moment embracing life rainbow of emotions. You don’t have do anything being aligned with your authentic self. The true self will connect with the universe effortlessly inducing calm and peace.